So my ideal job would be (wait for it) a bus driver in a mid-sized, non-crime infested city.
Before you say, “that’s cliché” or “yeah, you would”, consider:
As a bus driver ALL you have to worry about is not running over somebody or leaving a little kid or Alzheimer’s sufferer on the bus at the end of the day (well, that and Bitterman's who won’t let you merge). That’s it. No quotas for how many people you pick up in a day (“People don’t want to ride the bus, who’s gonna stop em? – Yogi shout-out), no worries on how fast you make your rounds (you’ll just be back around again! - tain’t no big thing!), you don’t have to worry about what you’re going to wear every day, and most important – no meetings, team-building retreats or other corporate workplace intelligence-eroding activities. In other words, complete bliss.
As a bus driver, you’d actually increase your intelligence, because at every stop is a potentially scholarly and stimulating conversation! And if your only riders are mullet-wearers and hygiene non-believers, you can always tune in for some educating by Professor Limbaugh or fire up that “Chicken Soup for the Bus Driver’s Soul” CD your mom gave you.
*Point of clarification…this does not mean that driving a school bus is included in this goal of mine. Nofuckingwayever on that notion. Cab driver too, those guys get robbed and you’re expected to know the absolute fastest way to get to the Northside via the Tri-State Parkway ("but don’t take it during rush hour, I got a fukin plane to catch").
“So,” you ask, “you’d be a bus driver over a job doing something you love, like being in a band or working for the Seahawks (weak, I know)? Response: “yup” - cause here’s the thing. My theory is once you turn something you “love” into “work” then you no longer love it (that, and I can find a downside to anything).
In the case of being in a band, it would be pain-in-the-ass bandmates; having to write good songs and play your instrument well; unscrupulous managers; contracts and royalties; and touring (I’m thinking big).
In the case of working for the Seahawks, it would be just like working at InnaTech. You’d have to drink the Kool-aid. You couldn’t come to work on Monday and say, “Jesus, can any of these people tackle? Shit, they gave up 400 yards on the ground…and WTF with the play-calling?” You’d get, “Can I have a word with you in private,” and that would be that.
So look for me piloting a Municipal Transit, running over cones in a big parking lot somewhere…but not for long, I’m gonna get a route.
By the way, I want to make more than forty grand a year, so potential of this ever happening is nil...unless I get shitcanned, where the potential grows exponentially.
Today’s endorsement: The bumper-sticker I’m thinking of producing: “Big Pickup=Little PP”.