Monday, October 18, 2010

Municipal Dump

OK, it’s taken me three posts and I think it’s about time we bring some bathroom humor to this gig…literally.

I work in a brand new, million-dollar building that is otherwise, pretty nice, except it has one major flaw. For some inexplicable reason, they constructed this building with door-less bathrooms. Goddamn if that’s not the dumbest “advance” in modern facilities I have ever heard of.

You curve around a little wall when you go in, so it's not like anyone can see you.

But they sure as hell can hear you.

What's more, they put these bathrooms - there are only three in the building, plus two handicrappers (heh…made that one up myself) - 1)right in the lobby of the building (the one I am forced to use), 2)right near an elevator and 3)right outside a conference room.

As I mentioned, you can hear EVERYTHING going on in there. I mean not only can you hear someone taking a piss, you’d hear it if they were pissing on cotton.

So if you can hear the pissing, guess what it sounds like when people are off-loading cargo. The ceiling is about 11 feet high, which produces a perfect acoustically pitched echo, so no hiding what's going down in there.

And no, the building lease-holder will not remedy the situation - probably because it would run about 50 grand.

Now imagine you are new to the building (or you work there and you just don’t give a shit – heh again), and you have to weigh anchor, and let’s just say you aren’t going to be fully solid with this one. Much to your surprise, your Master Blaster has just been broadcast by way of a Marshall amp into the lobby an/or hallway by the elevator. And if you have to flush twice or wipe an inordinate amount of times, guess who now knows this. That’s right, about 5 to 7 more people than you want to.

Then you walk out…. “Hi".

Out in the lobby, picture you're talking with a coworker about the deliverable on the latest TPS Report, and being suddenly interrupted by this very unmistakable, startling and unpleasant sound. Then think of the immediate correlation you make. And if you didn’t get it then, in seconds the whole lobby smells like a porta-potty at a Dave Matthews concert in July.

Oh, and you can hear women doing the same thing, but worse (think pee). Calling all fetish-freaks.

The poor receptionist is subjected to this All.Day.Long. Speaking of which, the positioning of this receptionist makes a seemingly routine trip to the bathroom, a stealth adventure.

I drink about 10 cups of coffee and 10 glasses of water a day, which means I pee about 32 times a day. Because the receptionist is planted right out in front of the bathroom, I have to alternate my rest stops between floors - I don’t need her counting the times I pee. If those recepticles are all occupied or reek, then it’s…the Handicrapper.

My old office used to share the wall next to the Handicrapper, which meant I got to hear all the life struggles going on in there. But that pales in comparison to the poor sot whose office is directly across from the door of the handi. We’re talking feet from it. Imagine your day with that going on constantly. Half the people that come out I’d have ask, “Sonofa bitch, what was going on in there? Are you OK?” It would be like being the lucky winner of the who's-got-next ticket in the contest to see who gets to follow your dad in the bano after Thanksgiving dinner - except that would be the scent surrounding you all day long.

Back to my challenge. In addition to trying to conceal my frequent urination (Flomax on line two), I refuse to work one out in any of the door-less Dumpatoriums. So this forces me to walk across the campus to another building where bathrooms have doors. I will do this regardless of weather: Depression-era dust storms or Nor’easter gales - doesn't matter.

Shit. My job is bad enough without having to contend with this.

No comments:

Post a Comment